Prayer of Approach
I honor your Gods,
I drink at your well,
I bring an undefended heart to our meeting place,
I have no cherished outcomes,
I will not negotiate by withholding, and
I am not subject to disappointment.
Aloha mai kākou,
Happy Monday. It seems like summer was something we anticipated so highly, with lots of events, programs, and life. In the end, it was a full and fleeting blink past a speeding window. The pinnacle of my summer happened on Saturday—my uncles got married after being together for almost three decades. What was so striking was the community they have built around themselves together over the many years. The crowd was diverse and celebratory—Grandma Gigi sang a solo for their first dance; there was tons of hula; one of his best friends did the food, and another did the flowers with our kumu hula; a cousin made a gorgeous wedding arch; a childhood friend was the DJ, and a hula sister did the sound; childhood friends lent their gorgeous estate; the officiant was a referral who ended up being connected to us; a hānai son was the DJ—these are just some examples. It couldn’t have been more perfect or more celebratory.
Of course, as a co-coordinator, I will remember the little details we missed, but overall the aloha was overwhelming and palpable. Several folks said it was the best wedding they had ever attended. One of our friends remarked that perhaps it’s better to get married after being together for at least a decade; by then you’ve sorted out your compatibility and the deeper details of co-habitation. You’ve built the soil of your life together where good things grow. People in your lives have deeply been part of your story; the ceremony perhaps has a different sort of meaning and milestone in terms of commitment after so much time has already passed.
A picture I have (whether on my phone or in my memory) that is remarkable to me features several generations of men standing around and talking. The cast is diverse, and features guests, friends, and family from near and far, many long-term friends and many meetings for the first time, overlapping currents and circles of a life together built over many years. I thought of many of those folks and how they have grown and evolved and shaped each other’s lives over the many years, and it made me so happy to witness a profound (brofound?) network of brotherhood.
Helping to print the thank yous, I noticed the list was pages long for both uncles. Indeed, they wanted the wedding to not be about them, but about the community they’ve surrounded themselves with that has helped them live, love and thrive.
This makes me think about how we create spaces for folks to come to the middle. And what is the middle, except for the mean, the midpoint between two ends? How do you join two dots? Whether a straight line, a circle, or a long-winded squiggle, the quality of our relationships that animates our time together is important. The spaces we curate are critical to who we become and our well-being, no matter how we reach our destination. How we connect the two dots is our choice and preference. My uncles have touched the lives of so many people in deep and meaningful ways, and others have touched theirs. I’m proud of them for achieving this milestone together, and so happy for them!
As we know, sometimes the best part of a party is the before and after when you’re cooking, preparing, cleaning, decorating. etc. Having our family from out of town, including calabash family (folks who are family by choice and relationship) help with the event made it so meaningful, and made the work load easier.
Local parties are always a reminder of how we are. We work hard, play hard, make way too much food as a way to show we care. We go the extra mile in so many ways together while laughing, talking, eating, making lei, drinking. Everyone pitches in. Everything is clean, neat, meticulous, and filled with layers of meaning. Aunties and Uncles are hammahs and we follow their lead for most things. It’s wonderful, and I was reminded that it’s so Hawai‘i.
I put the Prayer of Approach at the top of this entry, as it somehow felt appropriate for what I’ve witnessed and been part of this weekend. Aunty Pua used to shared it often to begin a circle. To cultivate a lifetime of meaningful relationships, we have to not take ourselves so seriously; we must not be afraid to admit or reflect that we don’t know what we don’t know; we have to hold our tongue sometimes and step forward other times. Commitment takes hard work, compromise, and mutuality. And it invites and grows so, so much love.
I hope you enjoy your week, and that it brings you love, laughter, and great relationships.
Photo taken 08/16/25.